Funny Money Friday: A Better Bailout Blueprint

Money doesn't have to be boring! Each week, CreditBloggers.com takes a look at the lighter side of the personal finance world in a series called Funny Money Friday.

The pork-laden version of the bailout bill was just approved by the House. Would that there were time – or that the Washingtonians would make the time - to consider other options. My favorite is the “NEW bailout plan” by Tiberius, which appears on DemocraticUnderground.com. It’ll ring true, regardless of your political persuasion, or at least, give you a chuckle!

Purportedly from the lobbyist for The Taxpayers, Debtors, and Insured People of the United States, this plan includes the following “reasonable” terms:

“We are willing to loan you money at a very low, introductory rate of 8.9%. If you are even one nanosecond late on your payment, your rate will go from 8.9% to 32.9% instantly.”

Just like typical credit card contracts, the interest rate hike is retroactive.

“If you are late on any of your other payments to your other creditors, your rate will also be spiked to 32.9%.”

Universal default rears its ugly head in Wall Street’s direction.

"If your business is located in a ‘bad neighborhood,’ or a ‘poor city,’ or a ‘hurricane zone,’ or ‘flood plane,’ or ‘terrorist targeted city,’ as defined by us, we can raise your interest rates at any time, to any rate we choose.”

This slight modification to the typical “we can raise your rates at any time, for any reason” clause sure covers a lot of territory.

There are a bunch of other equally entertaining and credit-savvy terms in this bailout proposal, plus detailed fine print. Here’s my favorite:

"Upon any dispute, arbitration will be decided by someone tilted to rule in favor of taxpayers, and not by any independent or otherwise objective authority.”

Got a bailout plan that beats this one? Please share it with us!

Nancy Castleman – Co-author of "Invest in Yourself: Six Secrets to a Rich Life" and founder of Good Advice Press. Nancy has spent the last 24 years teaching people how to get out of debt, save money, and live better on less. She writes on all these subjects for CreditBloggers.com.

Comments

[Credit-Helper]

Excellent! I love the "if your business is located ..." part. That is too funny. Oh if the taxpayers could only inflict that kind of pain on legislators.